Unsolicited Advice: The Magic Word to deal with it.

Ahh pregnancy and motherhood, the time when everyone wants to tell you how to do everything from eating and sleeping to peeing and pooping. Some of the advice is very helpful, and I don’t know where I’d be without it (probably still 37 weeks pregnant, but a lot more ignorant). But then comes the unsolicited advice. Advice you never asked for. I find it’s about the start of trimester 2 that this begins happening and I can only assume (from what I have heard other people say) that it continues well into parenthood. Luckily for me, I have received really good advice from my friends and family, and the only unsolicited advice I got was from acquaintances and people further out from my inner circle. But that is not the case for everyone, and some people might have some very naggy family members that just don’t know when to stop.

I think the thing we need to remember going into this blog article, is that the advice given to you by friends, family, and for some weird reason complete strangers on the street, generally comes from a place of caring and not from a place of malice. However, when people just give you their opinion when you did not specifically ask for it, and present it to you in a constant, pushy, or nagging way, it can be very onerous and detrimental to your mental health. It can make you second guess things, and can just generally be rude.

First, let’s have a look at some of the things you might often hear as “advice”.

Some “advice” that might get you riled up

“Ugh, it was never like that in my day! There are so many rules now! I didn’t do any of that and my child didn’t die!”

The barometer of a child’s success is not “not having died”. Okay… some days it might be. Some days you might be like “I’m really happy with the fact that today my child managed not to die”. But if that is the bar that’s being set in general, that is pretty low. Additionally, just because they did it, does not mean that it can, or should be done today. And it doesn’t mean that you have to do it as well. Science, information, research and education is changing all the time, and we need to change with it. Just because something was thought to be the “way to do things” back in the old days, doesn’t mean that it is appropriate to do today. For a long time women were told BY THEIR DOCTORS to smoke during their pregnancy because it was okay, even good for the baby. Would that still be the advice doctors would give today? Hell no!

“Just do XYZ”.

Ahh, this one I have heard a lot. Just do this. Just do it. It’s not hard. Just sleep when the baby sleeps. Just give the baby a bottle. Just take a nap. I think it is the “just” of the sentence that really is the kick in the teeth. Sometimes it’s not as easy as JUST doing something, like sleeping or showering. Sometimes it’s really hard, and you can’t “just” do it. This especially comes into play if you are suffering from PND. When we are told to “just” do something, we are being told that the thing we should do is easy and that you should not be having trouble with it. This puts a lot of pressure on you, as you are then confused as to why this thing that should be so easy (and has been easy in the past) is now incredibly difficult. So when people say “just sleep when the baby sleeps”, just feel free to slap them.

“Don’t do that- You know Maureen from down the road? Well her daughter’s friend did that, and the kid ended up with XYZ” (usually the word “died” or “with ADHD” are inserted here)

Usually said in relation to using something really simple, like a type of laundry powder, or giving the child something sweet to eat once in a blue moon.

Also, I don’t give a fuck about Maureen’s daughter’s friend.

“You know you shouldn’t use XYZ product.”

Well, I’m going to use it anyway. I will use it because:

a) It’s what I can afford or is available to me

b) I have researched it and it is what suits my/my baby’s needs best

c) Because I want to

d) Any of the above, pick one, I don’t care.

"Sleep while you can NOW, because once that baby comes you will NEVER. SLEEP. AGAIN."

Why is so much advice centred around getting enough sleep? We all know that when you have a baby opportunities for sleep are going to be pretty thin on the ground. Why do we feel we need to drum this already well-known fact into new parent’s minds. To scare them? (A lot of the time, I think it is.) Oh I’ll “never sleep again” will I? Never again? So I will die of sleep deprivation? Thanks for your advice, it’s not like your making a ticking time bomb for me, counting down the minutes until I can never sleep again. That idea really helps me doze off. Thanks.

Turning down unsolicited advice the non-rude way

By now you have probably heard a range of different things and a lot of the time they contradict each other too. Use a bassinet/ don’t use a bassinet. It’s okay to give babies water/ don’t ever give babies water.

At the end of the day, the best advice you can get is from your doctor, midwife and/or paediatrician.** THEY are the professionals, they know what they’re talking about.

But how do you turn down the unsolicited advice you might get from your friends or family? It’s especially hard when it’s advice from your mum or grandmother that you know is out-dated or does not align with your wants or needs, or what you have been advised by professionals.

Are you ready for it? This is my one golden word when turning down well meaning advice from anyone when I don’t want to cause offence.

“OKAY”.

That’s all.

“OKAY.”

Okay is the PERFECT word. Because “okay” does NOT mean:

- “You’re right, I’m wrong”

- “I will do that”

- “Yes I agree”

Okay just means…okay. And then, once you have said “Okay”, here is the second part: go ahead and do what you were going to do anyway- don’t follow the advice if you don’t want to.

YOU are the baby’s mother.

YOU know what is best for YOUR BABY.

You can raise your child the way YOU WANT.

You are the one who is around you baby 24/7, you are the one who has come to know what your baby’s facial expressions and sounds mean. A friend or family member who sees your baby for a moment in time and then tells you a list of all the things you need to do is not going to know your baby as well as you do.

Doing this is a lot easier said than done for some people and sometimes the “advice” you get might be aggressive and non-stop. But stand your ground and remember that for the most part, the advice that is given to you is not coming from a place of nastiness, it is coming from a caring and supportive place. Some people just don’t know how to word their advice in a fitting way. Keep the “Okay” on the tip of your tongue, and then turn around and do your own thing. You got this mumma.

- The Feminist Mum

** Do not, I REPEAT DO NOT take what women on message boards say as verbatim. Google can help at times, but we all know the Google rabbit hole can get you more confused than Alice. You’re best bet is to listen to your doctor.